


since you been gone (i'm out of my head can't take it)

by owilde



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Clary is there to help, Established Relationship, Grief/Mourning, I was feeling awful and thought now would be a good time for some saphael angst, I'm Sorry, M/M, Raphael Is Dead, Simon is grieving, Wordcount: 1.000-5.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-21
Updated: 2016-04-21
Packaged: 2018-06-03 16:18:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6617566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/owilde/pseuds/owilde
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everything was wrong; everything was twisted and turned, and Simon thought nothing would ever be alright again.</p><blockquote>
  <p>He felt numb. </p>
  <p>The world felt too empty. </p>
  <p>Raphael was <i>gone</i>.</p>
</blockquote>
            </blockquote>





	since you been gone (i'm out of my head can't take it)

**Author's Note:**

> If you clicked on this fic despite it saying "Major Character Death" in the warnings - you're much stronger than me ever. I can't deal with reading death fics, but apparently writing them is A OK. This fic is sad. Just, a heads up. Raphael is permanently dead, and Simon is devastated. I apologize. If you want fluff, check out all of my other saphael fics.
> 
> Title taken from Rainbow's "Since You Been Gone".
> 
> Also, if you can, listen to Whitney Houston's "All At Once" while reading this for maximum pain.

"I loved him."

Simon saw Clary turn to look at him from the corner of his eye, but didn't take his own gaze away from the tree he'd been staring at. He felt empty. Everything felt empty.

"I still love him," Simon corrected numbly, realizing what he'd said. A bird flew by the tree, croaking loudly. Simon's eye twitched. It was too loud. Why wasn't everything silent? He just wanted silence. The world seemed blurry as the tree turned into an unidentifiable mass of black in Simon's eyes. He couldn't focus his gaze; he didn't want to. It didn't matter, _nothing_ mattered anymore.

"I know," Clary said softly. She sounded pitying, and Simon didn't want _pity_ , but he didn't know what else he could possibly want either.

Well. He knew perfectly what he wanted. 

He wanted Raphael. Still existing, next to him, tangible. _Alive_. Simon felt a wave of desperation hit him, and he tried to swallow it down. It was _too much_ , too intense. He blinked away the tears that threatened to spill over, but to no avail. An ugly sob escaped his mouth, while Simon tried his hardest to keep it all in.

Clary shifted closer to him on the park bench, putting her arm around him in comforting manner. Simon took a shuddering breath. He couldn't _think_ , his thoughts were all over the place and running in every direction, yet not moving anywhere, permanently stuck on the top of his mind.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Clary asked quietly, resting her head on Simon's shoulder gently. Simon gulped, closing his eyes. _No_ , was his first thought. He _couldn't_.

"You could maybe... tell me something about Raphael? What he was really like?" Clary offered when Simon didn't respond.

Simon flinched at the mention of his name, but if Clary noticed, she didn't mention it. He kept his eyes shut, sighing. "Yeah," he agreed weakly, "alright."

Clary was rubbing small circles on his back, letting him take his time. Simon appreciated it.

"He, um. Well, he hated comics," Simon begun telling her, chuckling humorlessly. "And we sometimes argued about it. Not _real_ arguing, but like... like I'd tell him how he was missing out on so much and how he needed to learn to appreciate them since he was stuck with-" Simon cut himself off abruptly, biting on his lip. _No, no no no._

"It's okay, Simon," Clary whispered.

And then Simon felt something inside him break down, like the string that'd been holding him in place had been cut.

"It's not _okay_ , Clary," he spat out harshly, then took a deep breath to calm himself down. It wasn't Clary's fault, it was nobody's fault. He shouldn't be mad at her. He didn't even know if he  _was_ mad.

"It'll never be okay again, _I_ won't ever be okay again. Because I was supposed to have him for forever, and he promised me, he fucking _promised_ me we'd have all the time in the damn world. But we didn't, did we? It's _over_ , all of it," he said, bitterly. 

"I love him," he told her, again. " _Fuck_ , I love him so much. And this, it- it feels like someone removed a part of me, Clary. Like, like someone ripped me in half. And it _hurts_."

Simon opened his eyes and finally turned to look at Clary, feeling tired. No, _drained_ , more like.

"It hurts so much," he whispered and then it truly hit him, and the whole world shattered around him, and he didn't realize Clary had moved before she had wrapped her arms around him, holding him, and he was grasping at her shirt too tightly, and maybe she was crying, or maybe he was crying, or maybe it was raining, but it was all so _wrong_ that he couldn't know anything for sure anymore.

Raphael was  _dead_ , he would never come back again. Simon would never wake up next to him, would never touch him, would never kiss him. He let it all pour out, crying against Clary, feeling his heart twist around painfully.

It could've been minutes, or hours, or years before he loosened his grip on Clary a little, becoming more aware of his surroundings once more. Simon gasped for breath softly, still leaning against her. 

He felt numb.

The world felt too empty.

Raphael was _gone_.

Simon rested his forehead against Clary's shoulder, shaking.

"You're not going to do anything stupid, are you?" Clary whispered in a hoarse voice, worriedly.

"I don't know. No. I don't think so." Simon's reply was muffled, but he trusted she heard him.

They sat it silence as Simon tried to get his breathing under control, struggling to stop his body from shaking anymore. The park around them was silent.

Eventually, he started talking again.

"He took forever to get ready. You wouldn't believe it, the amount of _hours_ that went into his outfit and hair every time. It was always a pain to wait around for him to get ready. And he insisted we have these ridiculous dinners, even though neither of us could eat proper food. He said it was the thought that counts. And he had the _audacity_ to claim that he wasn't romantic." Simon huffed. "He loved to watch movies with me, but he hated comics. Because I guess you can't have everything, right?" Simon laughed softly, and Clary hummed.

"He said... Before he left, that night, he said that he loved me. And it was such a casual thing, like _of course_ he loved me, and I loved him, and it wasn't even a big deal to say it out loud anymore because it was so _obvious_."

Simon pressed his eyes tightly shut, involuntarily remembering the way Raphael had looked the last time he'd seen him. The way he'd smiled at Simon. The way he'd said he'd be back later. That they could rewatch _The New Hope_ once he got back.

"And I-" Simon choked on his words, hiccuping. He tried to force the memory out of his mind, but it kept coming back, persistent.

"And I just took him for granted, all of it, I just..." he eventually managed to say, words strangled and the rest of the sentence stuck in his throat.

Clary didn't say anyhing. Simon figured there was nothing to say, anymore.

It was just him, and Clary, and the rest of the world that continued to move forward without Raphael.


End file.
